


Sweet Beginnings, Bitter Ends

by sunkelles



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Character Study, Finn is a good person, Hux mostly isn't, Inherently the consent is kind of dubious because of the power imbalances, Like there are a good deal of fluffy parts but overall this is not supposed to read as healthy, M/M, Slash, Unhealthy Relationships, kind of, kink meme fill, that's it that's the fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-16
Updated: 2016-03-16
Packaged: 2018-05-27 01:43:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6264613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunkelles/pseuds/sunkelles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finn and Hux are in a relationship before the events of tfa and all that entails. </p><p>or, the one where finn is trying to learn how to be his own person even as everything is pressing back against him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sweet Beginnings, Bitter Ends

**Author's Note:**

> first note: I feel as though I sort of based the structure of this fic on “Untitled” a finn/kylo fic by stelleappese here on ao3. I think that chances are that if you enjoy/are curious enough about finn/hux to read this fic, then you’re probably interested enough in finn/kylo that you’d enjoy that one as well. it’s very good and i highly recommend it. 
> 
> second note: vaguely based on this prompt on the kink meme (it already has a lovely fill) http://tfa-kink.dreamwidth.org/3467.html?thread=5950859#cmt5950859
> 
> On a final note, this was supposed to be a much more obviously unhealthy relationship than it ended up being. i felt like i needed to build an actual relationship to justify the emotions of the piece and then we ended up with some legitimately sweet moments that are tainted by what happens later. I actually think that this packs a better punch than the first version I had in my head. 
> 
> I hope that you guys enjoy this!

FN-2187 is cleaning up the remnants of what used to be a control panel, and mopping up the grease. Kylo Ren normally doesn’t have his _incidents_ on the part of the ship that FN-2187 cleans, but he has done it before and he will certainly do it again. Ren is famous in the Order for destroying things in anger and leaving it for sanitation troopers to clean up and then for technicians to fix.

"Was that Ren?" Someone asks from behind him. FN-2187 turns around to see who’s talking to him. All black officer’s garb and bright red hair, it doesn’t take him long to realize that it’s General Hux. It takes FN-2187 a moment to remember that the General had in fact _spoken_ to him and expected a response.

"Yes sir," he responds, and the general's face contorts in anger.

"It's alright, sir," he says, trying to placate his fuming superior officer.

"I'm not angry at you," he says. He looks like he wants to say more, and pauses for a moment.

"What's your designation?" he asks instead.

"FN-2187," he says, and he just barely remembers to add a "sir" to the end.

"FN-2187," the general says, and the designation flows off his tongue easily, "I'm angry at Ren, not you. He keeps destroying my ship." The general sounds incredibly torn up about that.

"I'm sorry, sir," FN-2187 says. He doesn't know what else he can say.

"Ren shouldn't be allowed to do this," he mutters. FN-2187 doesn't know what to say, but he hopes that what comes out of his mouth sounds good.

"Cleaning up after other people's messes is my job, sir," he says.

The general nods his head, abruptly, a little awkwardly, and says, "I'll leave you to it then, 87." The general leaves, and FN-2187 breathes a sigh of relief. He normally prefers not to have to talk to people that can have him decommissioned.

  
  


Surprisingly, that isn’t the only time that Hux speaks to FN-2187. It starts to happen so frequently that 87 wonders if he might be intentionally making time for it. He tries to force that thought away, because there’s no way that he made that much of an impression on the general.

“Why are you in sanitation?” The general asks.

“That’s where I was assigned, sir,” FN-2187 responds, not really understanding why he’s asking that question.

“You were the highest scoring stormtrooper in your class,” the general says, and the way that he says it doesn’t sound like flattery or praise, just a fact, “Phasma marked you for a possible promotion to officer. Why are you in sanitation?”

87 could cite a thousand reasons, but the one that ends up coming out of his mouth is, “My compassion problem, sir.” Hux sends him a confused look.

"I’ve never been able to leave my brothers behind,” 87 says, “it’s the reason why I’m not in active combat unit. Captain Phasma was afraid that I would jeopardize any mission I was on.” 87 sort of trails off after that, and he’s afraid of how the general will react. He shouldn’t have been so honest. He shouldn’t have told the _general_ that he’s willing to sacrifice the good of the First Order for a single soldier. The general is silent for a while, and 87 feels dread growing within him.

"Compassion's only a problem when it's for the enemy, 87," the general tells him, finally breaking the silence.

"Sir," 87 says.

"Please, 87," he says, "call me Hux." And okay, okay, 87 is certainly not freaking out. He's on a name to designation basis with the general. He's not freaking out. He's not freaking out- he's not- he lets out a squeal.

"Are you alright, 87?" Hux asks.

"Yeah," He says, "I'm great." He adds “Hux” to the end, almost as an afterthought.  

"Alright," Hux says, not sounding entirely convinced that 87 is fine, “back on the topic of your scores.”

“My scores?” 87 asks cautiously.

“I could get you promoted to a combat position,” he says, “and we both know that you would do well, with or without the compassion.”

"I don't want to fight," he says nervously, and he bites his lip the moment that the words leave his mouth. That isn’t the sort of thing that you tell _the general,_ no matter how true it is. Hux seems largely unaffected by the confession.

"A command position, then," he says, "you're more than qualified to strategize.” 87’s breath catches in his throat. He can’t believe that Hux actually had taken a personal interest in him, let alone thinks him capable of a higher rank.

“I’m not qualified for a command position,” 87 says, his voice wavering slightly.

"You deserve better than _sanitation_ , 87," Hux says, as if that should be obvious. 87 closes the gap between them, which was only a foot to begin with, and kisses the other man right on the lips. Hux doesn’t kiss back. It only takes 87 a moment to realize that it’s the most inappropriate thing that he’s done in his entire life, and he pulls away. He looks at the ground as his cheeks start to burn.

“I’m sorry,” he says, starting to babble, “I just got excited and it kind of happened-” Hux actually laughs a little at that.  

“If you want to do this,” Hux says, sounding almost teasing, “then we should do it properly.” Properly means in Hux’s chambers with lots and lots of kissing beforehand. 87 thinks that he can get used to _properly._ He thinks that he can used to Hux too.

  


They speak of promotions and reassignments extensively, but 87 assures Hux that he doesn’t actually want a combat position and that he’d feel uncomfortable with a command position that he didn’t actually earn. 87 can tell that Hux doesn’t understand his reasoning, but he doesn’t push the issue any further. The most that he does is make sure that the area that 87 is responsible for is close to his chambers and easier to manage. 87 doesn’t mind him playing the general card for that.

 

It probably takes 87 longer than it should have to notice that Hux has a cat. Not only does Hux have a cat, but it has fur as red as his hair and it literally sheds everywhere. It’s also adorable. 87 scoops the cat up into his arms, and it hisses as he lies it down on the bed.

“So what’s this little guy’s name?” 87 asks rubbing the cat behind its ears. The cat changes its tune and starts to purr instead of hiss.

“ _Her_ name is Millicent,” Hux says, “She was a gift from my mother.” 87 nuzzles his face against the cat’s face, and Hux makes a terrified, screeching noise.

“She doesn’t like people,” he says cautiously, and 87 withdraws his face from hers, but the cat actually nuzzles closer against him.

“Except you, I see,” Hux says, sounding a mixture of puzzled and fond.

He grins a little, which is like an enormous smile for Hux, and adds, “I guess that we’ve got something in common.”

87 can feel himself blush in happy embarrassment, and just says, “Oh my _force._ That’s so cheesy.” Hux goes back to stroking his cat and reading his holobook, almost like the comment didn’t happen. If Hux isn’t going to continue on the same thread of conversation, then 87 doesn’t see any reason why he can’t change the topic. Especially since he has something that he’s wanted to ask for weeks.

“Hux?” 87 asks. Hux looks up from his book but continues stroking his cat.

“Yes 87?” He asks.

“Um,” 87 says, suddenly a little nervous about his request, “I was just wondering.. I was just thinking that maybe.. Maybe…”

“What is it, 87?” Hux asks, sounding a bit exasperated that 87 won’t just spit it out.

“I was wondering if you’d give me a nickname?” He asks, “like, all of the other guys in my squad had them and like, I know that 87 kind of sort of counts but it’s not really the same.”

"87, I'm literally awful with names. I named a cat Millicent" He gestures smoothly to the cat lounging between them for emphasis.

“Millicent’s a fine name,” 87 says, “at least it’s a name, you know, and not a number.” 87 bites down on his tongue again, and remembers that he should not be saying these things in front of a _general._ It’s just that the more comfortable he gets with Hux, the less he remembers to guard his tongue and not say stupid things that could potentially get him reconditioned. To be honest, 87 likes to think that Hux would not have him reconditioned, though, no matter how fanciful that is. 

“Alright,” Hux says, “I have something that we can try.” He types something into his holobook, and then 87 notices that the cover has changed to an image of diapers and bottles.

“It’s a baby book,” Hux explains, “we’ll read through names until you find one that you like.” 87 slides up closer to him, and Millicent settles on their laps. The first name that he finds himself liking is Anakin, but Hux tells him that Kylo Ren will probably murder him if he chooses that one. He kind of likes the name Bradley, and the name Evan, but he keeps on going because neither of them feel quite  _right._

“Finn,” Hux says in the same tone that he used on the hundred other names that he’s read.

“Wait,” 87 says, excitement flooding into his tone, “what was that one?”

“Finn,” Hux says.

“I like that one,” he says, “we should go with that one.” Hux nods his head and tries to switch back to his own holobook, the one that contains the plans for his pet project, something called Starkiller Base. He doubts if Hux will be finished with his work anytime soon, especially with the delay. He shoos Millicent off of his side of his lap and lies down on the bed.

“Night, Hux,” he murmurs. It’s more of a habit that he’d gotten into in the barracks with Slip than anything else, and he can feel his face heat the moment the words come out of his mouth. It’s silly and sentimental, and he shouldn’t have said it. Now Hux is going to think that he’s silly and sentimental.

“Goodnight, Finn,” Hux says instead, and _Finn’s_ heart does a cartwheel.

  
  
  


It gets to the point where Finn doesn’t spend any nights in the barracks, and things seem to be going fairly well. But nothing can go perfectly all of the time, and problems start creeping up the moment that Finn lets himself hope that there might not be any.

He’s a bit surprised that it comes from pillow talk, though. They've just had sex, they're curled up together, and somehow this has led to a competition to see who would make the biggest, most ridiculous gesture for the other person. Most of Hux's suggestions are morbid, but just morbid enough to be a little funny. One of them was a "necklace made of resistance members hands". 

“I’d get Kylo Ren transferred to another ship,” Finn says, “so that he can’t keep breaking yours.” Finn feels like this is the best one that he's come up with yet, and Hux actually does deign to chuckle. 

“Then I’d get you that promotion that you _didn’t want,”_ Hux says sarcastically emphasizing the last bit. Finn realizes that this isn’t just a _romantic things that I’d do for you_ boasting competition anymore. This is a _passive aggresively inform Finn that you’re still unhappy that he didn’t want to be placed in a combat unit_ thing now. Finn’s not happy about it.

“I really didn’t want it, Hux,” he says, “I didn’t want to fight.”

“You’d be so good at it,” Hux says dismissively, enough that it sounds like _it doesn’t matter what you want._ Finn knows that in all honesty, it _doesn’t_ matter what he wants. He’s still a stormtrooper, one in sanitation, and he matters to the First Order about as much as the toilets that he cleans, but  _still._ One of the reasons that he enjoys being around Hux so much is that he makes him feel like he _matters,_ like he cares what he thinks and enjoys his company. It makes him feel like a person.

“If I didn’t follow orders perfectly,” Finn says, nervous energy building inside of him, “if I tried to go back for Slip, or for anyone else they’d.. They’d have me reconditioned.”

There’s part of him that wants Hux to say, “I wouldn’t let them.”

Hux says what basically amounts to the opposite, “It’s not as though you can’t be reconditioned in sanitation.” It’s cool and clinical. He’s just reminding Finn of the facts, and that’s the scariest part about it.

“Hux?” He asks. He wants the other man to elaborate, maybe explain why that sounds like a threat. He wants Hux to explain that he didn't intend for it to sound like a threat

"I'm an officer above all else, Finn," he says. Finn can feel his heart beating faster and faster as he realizes exactly where this is going.

"If you showed signs of treason," he says, voice trailing off. Finn's breath speeds up nervously. He can hear his erratic, quick breathing. He bets that Hux can too.

"But we don't have to worry about that," Hux says, gaining a cheery tone for the grim subject matter, “because we both know that you wouldn’t do that.”

"Hux," he says, feeling legitimately scared. Hux would have him reconditioned if he showed even the slightest hint of sedition, and that's a terrifying thought. Finn has been reconditioned before. They erase all memories of what went wrong, what they didn't like about you, and they try to instill you with the primary values of the Order. Finn doesn't know what all would be left if they scrubbed parts of him away.

"What is it, Finn?" He asks.

"What if I didn't remember?" He asks, "after they were through with me. What if I wasn't me anymore?" Finn knows that it's a dangerous thing, to think of himself as an individual, as his own person. That borders on treason in and of itself, but he likes the person that he is now, with thoughts and a name. He likes what he has with Hux too. Finn likes talking to him and kissing and fucking and lying together in bed. He likes having someone that listens to him and gives a fuck whether he's dead or alive.

"Finn," Hux says, "I run the stormtrooper program. You really think that I'll let them take your memories of me?" Hux nuzzles into the crook of his neck, and Finn feels shivers crawl up his spine.

"You're mine, Finn" he says, "and nothing will take you from me." Finn melts into the man's embrace, and tries to fight the feeling that he might be worse off than he was before. The dread won't leave him alone, though, no matter how hard he fights it.

  


Finn, who still goes by FN-2187 with everyone but Hux, is not a popular trooper. There’s a reason that he didn’t have a nickname like the other guys in his squad. Even an unpopular guy like Finn ends up hearing about the rumored prowess of Hux’s new pet project, though. He hears about how it’s supposed to be able to raze entire star systems in seconds. The idea sends shivers down Finn’s spine, but he, unlike the other troopers, can have the rumors confirmed or denied.

 

Finn feels like they've been having way too many serious talks in bed lately, but Finn finds that he can't put it off this time. At least Millicent is lying between the two of them, ready to bear at least some of the brunt of the conflict. 

“Can Starkiller Base really destroy whole star systems?” Finn asks cautiously.

“Yes?” Hux says cautious, “where did you hear that, Finn?”

“I heard it from Slip,” he says, “he said that everyone was saying that we were going to destroy the Republic.”

Hux doesn’t respond for a moment, and Finn asks, "Hux, you aren't going to use it, are you? It's just for show." He’s fishing for reassurance, so he should be happy enough when that’s what he gets.

"Of course, Finn," he says. Finn, however, can hear the insincerity in Hux’s voice and prefers to press on and torture himself instead.

"Hux," he says, "please tell me that you aren't going to use that thing." He's heard whispers around the ship, about how the general is trigger happy, how now that he finally has the power to destroy the Republic he'll do it in one, fluid swoop. He doesn't know what to believe.

"Finn," he says, "of course not." It's got that same dismissive tone that he used the last time, but it sounds more like _stop asking me about this_ than _of course I wouldn't do that_.

"You are, aren't you?" Finn asks quietly.

"What would you say if I were?" Hux asks, looking up from his stack of paperwork.

"That you can't, Hux," Finn nearly shouts. He realizes how loudly he's speaking, and takes his volume down a few notches. Hux is just staring at him coldly.

"You can't blow up whole planets," Finn says. He can hear the disgust in his own voice.

"I can," Hux says evenly. Finn never understands how the other man keeps such a level head.

"It's wrong," Finn says, and knows it deep within his heart, "entire star systems worth of innocent people."

"Citizens of the republic aren't innocent, Finn," Hux says, and Finn can hear the thinly veiled threat, "you'd do well to remember that." Finn has never been all that great at heeding warnings, though, and presses on anyways.

"You can't just kill them," Finn says feeling his rage and fear and his sense of _wrong growing_ steadily stronger. Hux is silent for a moment, and though his words are soft, they are firm and threatening.

"You're dancing close to treason, Finn," he says. Finn remembers that conversation vividly. Hux will have him reconditioned if he thinks that it's necessary. Finn's blood runs cold, and Hux grabs his hands, trying to comfort the other man. He looks into Finn’s eyes and Finn can’t look away.

"Chances are," he says, "we won't even have to deploy the weapon." He sounds relieved when he says this, and Finn feels a weight lift off of his chest. He remembers that Hux doesn't _want_ to kill millions of people, he doesn’t delight in it. For right now, he tries to forget the fact that he's willing to. Finn just wants to think about Hux as the man who shares his bed and his thoughts, the man who helped Finn find himself a name. It's so hard reconcile himself to the fact that the general and that man are one and the same.

 

They don’t talk about Starkiller Base again, because Hux assures him that they won’t have to use it, assures Finn that even though it’s operational, it’s only for show. They have sex more, and talk less, but Finn doesn’t mind all that much. The sex is still great, and Hux is busy with all of his duties, plus the conspiracy with that map to Luke Skywalker. If he doesn’t find as much time to talk, Finn understands.

 

What Finn doesn’t understand, though, is why he blows the Hosnian System out of the sky. Finn is on duty at the time, cleaning an area of the ship that just so happens to have a window. The ship is as quiet as it will ever be because all of the troopers and officers on active combat duty have been called to listen to Hux give a speech.  Finn sees a red laser shoot through the sky like a comet, and then he sees tiny little dots turn to dust in the distance. Starkiller Base has been activated, and the only one with the authorization to do something like that is Hux.

  


Millions, maybe even _billions_ of people were just murdered by Hux, even after he’d promised that he wouldn’t have to. Even after he promised that Starkiller Base would only be for show. Whether or not he ended up enjoying it, Hux just killed more people than Finn can even imagine existing. He probably always knew that he would use it as well, and never actually planned on keeping his promise. Finn can feel anger bubbling and boiling within him, threatening to destroy his calm facade. 

 

Finn knows what will happen if he goes back now. If he goes back and starts yelling, Hux will try to talk him out of it, calm him down. Finn won’t, of course, and then Hux will eventually send him to reconditioning. They’ll take pieces of his memories, and rummage around in his head, keeping whatever suits them. They’ll take his memories of this, maybe try to make it so that he doesn’t care anymore, and then Hux will take him back and try to act like nothing ever happened. Maybe he’ll even have them make some extra changes so that he can be the perfect trooper as well, climbing through the ranks like Hux had always wanted.

 

Finn feels rage building inside of his chest. He knows that he cannot go back to Hux, and there’s no way that he can avoid him on the ship. Hux will track him down if he doesn’t show up normally, and then everything will still happen exactly the same way. Finn needs to get off of the base. He can't fight for them, he  _won't._ And he won't go back to Hux. 

 

He sneaks into the prison ward, and says that he is there under orders from General Hux to transfer a prisoner. Finn had heard about a resistance pilot from Hux. He had been captured, but would only give up the information on the location of that map to Luke Skywalker after Kylo Ren interrogated him. He would not give up the information to Hux himself. Finn makes a straight go for the man’s cell, and finds him bleeding, and half delirious. He seems half-dead as well. Finn has a sinking suspicion that Hux ordered him to be tortured, assuming that he didn’t do it himself.

 

“Who are you?” The pilot slurs.

Finn slings the man over his shoulders and whispers, “I’m here to rescue you.”

“Really?” The man asks.

“Really,” Finn responds. He wonders if this man will be in any condition to fly. He ushers Poe out of the containment floor, and gets him all the way to the hangar by using Hux’s secret codes. The hangar bay is enormous, full of ships, and bustling with activity. They aren’t even noticed as they come close to a ship and board it.

"You need a pilot," Poe says as he spots the ships.  

"I need a pilot," Finn agrees. They get in a TIE fighter, and fly away as quickly as they can. Finn doesn’t think that lightspeed is fast enough to get the fuck away from the First Order, to get the fuck away from Hux.

“What’s your name?” Poe asks him, after the battle has started to slow down for a moment. Finn is silent for a moment, wondering whether or not he wants to keep his name.

“Are you okay?” Poe asks, sounding a bit nervous. Finn finally decides to keep it. Hux helped him find it, but Finn gave it to himself. It’s his name, through and through.

“My name is Finn,” he says.

“So why did you defect, Finn?” Poe asks. His speech is still slurred from the pain, but it sounds much more coherent than it did earlier. Finn could cite a million reasons: his fear, his feelings of being trapped, Hux in general. Finn, however, goes with the answer that feels the most right. He realizes that his entire life has led up to this point, it just took the destruction of the Hosnian System to see it.

 

“It was the right thing to do," Finn says. 

**Author's Note:**

> ALL ABOARD THE TRASH DINGHY


End file.
